i'm still sort of grieving... i can't accept the fact that my "nanay" left me... i so often catch myself pensive, almost about to burst into tears. and when i do realize that i'm getting sentimental, i just smile, which is more like to say, "you're crazy"... well... almost.

i just can't understand why. why did she have to inquire for my number? then she would just leave me? it would have been a little unnoticed if only we didn't communicate on the month that she was to die...

i don't blame her, though. i blame the circumstances, the situation... how could she be so far away? why can't i see her before the tomb seals her away from me?

i want to sit next to her... hear her sing again, see her smile... but it's all gone now. i can only hear her now in memories... watch her in our classroom in my dreams...

sometimes i wish it's just a joke, or a dream... or better yet, a movie. after all the hard scenes, after that the characters die, we'll be able to see them still on the premiere, or on the next movie... that it really isn't over for them yet.

death itself is just the beginning for those that were left. the the hardest part for me is the acceptance, and the dealing with the fact that in the future, there'll be no "nanay" waiting for me in Guimaras.

remember when i posted that Guimaras is my favorite province? it's kind of dim now. i so much want to remember it as beautiful... white sands, almost green shore, and a happy place. i'm a different person when i'm there. i'm worry-free.

but lately, the name gives me pain, oil slick now ruined more than half of the entire shoreline... people are sickly and the sea creatures dead... even the whales ran away from their habitat...

i reposted "THIS" on my friendster blog after i posted it on my bulletin board.

and i got a sensible reply:
"in time, everything will be destroyed, missed or lost, but your heart will be the home of a thousand memories that will never be lost for as long as you are breathing."
... from jedAi, (my OldEr sis who's nOw bound by the ties of marrej.)

king theoden in the lord of the rings said that one shouldn't grieve for someone whose time has come... but can it be helped? once i was always so excited to go back to my former school... but now, i doubt if i can even get near Guimaras without shedding a bucketful of tears, let alone step on the school ground with a smile.

Just this month, there were three people in my life who passed away...

There's "kuya" jorge, the ultimate basagulero in our community, but a kitten when it comes to my lola. He was shot dead...

Then, lola Grant... my regrets were few, like not sending her a birthday card on her 96th birthday last July 16. but i'm happy that she's resting already. and the hope's in there that she'll see lolo, and us (hopefully) someday...

And 2 days ago, my class adviser when i was in high school... my "nanay"....

I'm wondering what all these are for...

at least when i die, you have this. di ba?

valentine.

do i dread?... i don't think so.

my half-sister's grandmother passed away last friday, and so we went to their house in Los Banos, Laguna yesterday. we had a good laugh on our way when my grandmother put on her veil, or whatever you call it, because it looks like a wig on which she looked blonde! my mom said she plans to wear that thing when they go to Guimaras on March 01. hilarious.
we walked around the place (actually we did nothing but walk around their place!) we went to the park, and the nearby resorts which overlook, or are beside the Laguna Lake itself. we left at 10 pm. they were all fast asleep on our way back.

kanina... i watched on my grandmother's place again, maricel soriano this time. medyo o.a. but i've always liked her. and we ate tikoy.

tapos i saw someone special.